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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28004535">It's a Wonderful Life, Hawkeye</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayfranzkafka/pseuds/gayfranzkafka'>gayfranzkafka</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>MASH (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Hawkeye learning the power of gay love, I'll tag more characters as I write more chapters, M/M, Trapper as Hawk's himbo guardian angel, it's a whole extravaganza folks, overcoming his internalized homophobia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:48:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28004535</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayfranzkafka/pseuds/gayfranzkafka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a Wonderful Life, but make it about Hawkeye overcoming his internalized homophobia and realizing the power of gay love. Hawk is George, B.J. is Mary, Trapper is a himbo guardian angel, etc etc etc.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you as always to the wonderful &amp; amazing <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/horaetio/pseuds/horaetio">horaetio</a> for beta reading!!!! This is about Hawkeye wishing he hadn't been born gay &amp; realizing ultimately how much being gay has enriched his life, but obviously there will be some themes of internalized homophobia. Also, this first chapter has got the whole Billy incident (re-told), so just be warned. This will be three or four chapters, hopefully finishing up right in time for Christmas!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Trapper hadn’t set out to be an angel. If anything, he’d have sinned even <em>more</em> in life if he’d known all the details of the afterlife gig he was getting himself into. It wasn’t like he’d walked around on tiptoes trying to live up to the Good Book’s prescriptions of moral virtue, either. He’d lived most of his life on earth as an ex-Catholic with a pretty firm conviction that there wasn’t much waiting for him in the afterlife. So finding out that not only <em>was</em> there a heaven, but also that he’d gotten in, had been a shock.</p><p>So when he’s called in by Joseph for another job to earth, it’s only with extreme reluctance that he goes to get briefed by God. “There’s a man down on earth that needs our help, Trapper,” God tells him. Trapper knows God can take any form, so it makes the recent choice of celestial star cluster paired with older 1940s movie star voice particularly confusing, but Trapper’s not going to say anything. Mostly, he tries to fly under the radar up here.</p><p>“Well whoop-de-doo,” Trapper says.</p><p>“You know,” God says sternly, “if you do well enough on this, you just might get your wings.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s awfully kind of you, but I’m really okay,” Trapper replies.</p><p>Joseph coughs sternly at this, and mutters to God, “What did I tell you? I.Q. of a rabbit. Dumb as nails.” Trapper knows Joseph intended him to hear, because speech is unnecessary up in Heaven. God is omniscient and thus has what Trapper thinks of as a Professor-X-like power to perceive all his angels’ thoughts without having to be told them. Time’s a little different, up in Heaven: it’s all already happened, still to happen, and happening at once. The downside of this is that Trapper’s still adjusting and gets a slight headache if he doesn’t constantly drink the homemade booze that he finally figured out how to make from the ambrosia, but the upside is that Trapper gets to read X Men comics even though he died decades before they were written.</p><p> In fact, he’s got one of those comics with him right now: it’s the “Days of Future Past” storyline, one of Claremont’s famous runs, in which the X-Men from an alternative future go back in time to warn the current X-Men to fix things before it’s too late. He’d really like to get back to it, but God is staring at him expectantly. (As expectantly as any heavenly star cluster can stare. Again, heaven is weird.)</p><p>“What’s that you’ve got there?” God asks him. Again, as God is omniscient, Trapper <em>knows</em> He’s asking just to be difficult.</p><p>“X Men,” Trapper says.</p><p>“Well, the sooner you do a good job on this, the sooner you can get back to that,” God tells him.</p><p>Trapper sighs. “What seems to be the matter?” he says.</p><p>“There’s a man down on earth who’s discouraged.”</p><p>“Who isn’t?” Trapper says. “I keep telling you let up on them.”</p><p>God ignores this and continues, “At exactly 10:45 pm tonight, Earth time—“</p><p>“I haven’t been in a while, but I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of different time zones down there,” Trapper interjects.</p><p>“Eastern Standard Time,” Joseph says tersely.</p><p>“At exactly 10:45 pm tonight, Earth Eastern Standard Time,” God intones, “that man will be thinking seriously of throwing away God’s greatest gift.”</p><p>“Not his fishing poles!” Trapper says. “Then I’ve only got an hour to dress! What are they wearing down there? I want to make sure I put on something a little flirty, so I make a good first impression.</p><p>“You will use that hour,” God says, talking over him, “to get acquainted with Benjamin Franklin ‘Hawkeye’ Pierce.” Before Trapper can make any more wisecracks, God rushes on, “Look and listen. Joseph here will show you his life.” And just like that, the world of Heaven fades away and scenes of earth overtake Trapper’s senses.</p><p>***</p><p>There are two young boys in a boat out in the middle of the lake. It’s the middle of a summer afternoon, and they’re not rowing anymore. They’re sitting and fishing, although neither of them seems to be paying particular attention to their lines. They haven’t caught anything yet.</p><p>
  <em> “That one right there is Hawkeye,” Joseph tells Trapper. “And the other boy is his friend, Billy. Watch what happens here. You’ll have to remember this for later.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t know if I’ll be able to remember,” Trapper says. “Seeing as I have the I.Q. of a rabbit and all.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Shush,” Joseph says.</em>
</p><p>“Man, I wish we could spend all day out here,” Billy says. The two boys are sitting close, and he reaches over and tousles Hawkeye’s hair. Hawkeye gives him a look so full of love that Trapper almost wants to look away, but Billy, who is still looking out at the water, doesn’t see it.</p><p>“We could, if we wanted to,” Hawkeye says, turning his gaze back to the water again. “My dad gave me the day off work today.”</p><p>“No, but I mean every day. Instead of school, we could just come out here and fish. What do we care about school anyway?”</p><p>“I care,” Hawkeye says. “I have to go, so I can become a doctor.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, <em>I’m</em> not gonna do <em>anything</em> when I grow up.” The way Billy says it, Trapper can tell this is a conversation they’ve had before, an issue that runs deeper than Billy wants to admit. He’s trying to make his comment sound offhand, but Trapper can read beneath his casual tone into a real anxiety. Trapper knows his powers of perception were heightened when he became an angel, but he can’t help thinking he would’ve been able to read Billy anyway, back on earth. Because Billy reminds him of someone; of himself. Trapper pushes the thought to the back of his mind and keeps watching the scene.</p><p>“Are you kidding?” Hawkeye says. He puts down his pole, so he can give all his attention to Billy. “Billy, you’re gonna go be amazing. You’re gonna… you’re gonna travel all over the world, and discover some new kind of fish no one’s ever heard about, and they’re gonna put you in National Geographic, and then we can read about you. Or you’re gonna fix up cars, you know, like really learn how to, not how you just help your dad now, and you’re gonna invent an engine that runs faster and better than any others, and everyone’s gonna be knocking on your door, wanting to meet you. Or you’re gonna do something so great and big neither of us can even think about it yet.”</p><p>“You really think so?” Billy says, giving Hawkeye a crooked smile. Billy’s put down his fishing line by this point, too, and he’s leaning in toward Hawkeye, just a little bit, looking sort of hopeful and tragic at the same time.</p><p>Trapper gets it. Hawk’s storytelling powers are clear, even in just this one memory of him as a kid. Trapper would’ve given anything, when he was Billy’s age, for someone to tell him something like that, something about himself that he could hold onto, that he could believe in.</p><p>“Yeah,” Hawkeye says. “I think so.” Trapper can tell Hawkeye’s picking up on Billy’s hope, but not his anxiety, and Hawkeye starts to lean in, too. Trapper wants to yell at him, to physically reach out and pull him back, because he can tell where this is going, and, because he was once the exact same kind of kid as Billy, he can tell it’s not gonna end well.</p><p>And it doesn’t. Hawkeye hesitates just a moment more, and Billy keeps that same expression on his face, frozen between hope and fear. And then, as if afraid he’ll lose his nerve, Hawkeye leans in all at once and kisses the other boy. When he pulls back, he’s got a smile on his face, as if he can’t believe he actually did it, but it’s a smile that’s full of trepidation. There’s one more second where Billy just offers back that same stare, almost as if the kiss didn’t happen, as if they’re still caught in the moment of anticipation and not the aftermath. And then, with startling force, Billy gets up and shoves Hawkeye into the water.</p><p>They’re both so young—can’t be more than twelve years old—and Trapper wouldn’t think their small bodies would have the power to so greatly disrupt the world, but the act almost overturns the boat. Trapper watches as it steadies, as Billy tries to get his bearings just as Hawkeye goes under. Trapper sees what Hawkeye doesn’t; he sees the way Billy’s face falls, all of his emotion finally and fully on display. He sees just <em>how</em> scared he is, and how much he regrets what he just did, and how he feels like he couldn’t have done anything else. And then Billy’s expression hardens. He buttons it all back up, and he reaches into the water to pull Hawkeye out.</p><p>The boys scrabble against the wood of the boat for a moment, breathing hard with the joint effort that it takes to haul Hawkeye back out of the lake. Once Hawkeye is fully back in the boat, they sit in silence for just a moment, catching their breaths, before Billy says, “You should be more careful.”</p><p>Hawkeye, sitting there shivering almost uncontrollably, reminds Trapper of some sort of baby animal, like a kitten the milkmaid tried to drown, the runt of the litter. He just stares at Billy, not speaking, seemingly almost not hearing what it is Billy’s saying. He sneezes, just once. All the joy that was on his face just moments ago is gone. Billy continues, “You should be more careful. You could’ve died.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Hawkeye says, after a minute. It sounds dull. There’s a silence.</p><p>“I think we should go home,” Billy says. Hawkeye doesn’t reply, just picks up the oars and starts rowing. After a moment, Billy follows suit. When they’re about halfway back to shore, Billy speaks up again. “We’re not kids anymore,” he says, and it sounds so cruel coming out of his mouth that Trapper would almost think Billy hated Hawkeye, if he hadn’t seen the way Billy looked when Hawkeye was underwater. “We can’t do that kind of thing anymore,” Billy continues. “We shouldn’t have ever done it to begin with.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Hawkeye says again.</p><p>“What?” Billy says, thrown just a little by the reply, even as he’s still posturing cruelty.</p><p>“For saving me,” Hawkeye says. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>***</p><p>And the memory’s gone. “What the hell?” Trapper says angrily.</p><p>“You needed to see that to understand what comes later,” Joseph tells him.</p><p>“Why me?” Trapper says to Joseph, then. “Why for this case? Why not someone else?”</p><p>“Your number was up,” Joseph says, simply and easily.</p><p>But Trapper’s not so sure that’s all there is to it, anymore. For maybe the first time since he got to Heaven, he’s beginning to regret not having paid much attention to any of the goings on. Maybe it’s not all fun and games and stay out of trouble till you’re called down to earth. Maybe there’s more to God’s design than Trapper first thought, and maybe he doesn’t like it all that much.</p><p>But before he can protest any more, Joseph’s already pulling him back into another memory.</p><p>***</p><p>Hawkeye walks into a drugstore smiling like nothing’s the matter. And Trapper realizes that it’s not, not really. <em> “This is weeks after what we just saw,” Joseph tells Trapper as the memory takes shape. “Hawkeye caught a bad cold and lost hearing in his left ear. He’s just now going back to work at Mr. Gower’s shop.” </em></p><p>Hawkeye walks into the store and over to a cigar lighter, crossing his fingers and closing his eyes before saying, “I wish I had a million dollars!” When he opens his eyes to see flame spring out of the lighter, he adds, “Hot dog!”</p><p>He goes over to the counter, where another kid about his age is seated, waiting patiently. “It’s me, Mr. Gower!” Hawkeye calls, then, without really waiting for a reply, walks over to where the other boy is sitting, kicking him in the legs without real force, in that affectionate way that boys have, and saying brightly, “Hi, Beej!”</p><p>“Hi, Hawk,” B.J. replies. Hawkeye goes over to put on his apron, and when he turns around, B.J. stares at his back with an intensity that makes Trapper want to look away.</p><p>When Hawkeye turns back around, apron on, he’s distracted by the entrance of a little blonde girl who somehow manages to exude both precocious and ferocious energy. “Hello, Hawkeye,” she says, giving him a somewhat cold look. Then, after a moment, she adds, in an even colder tone, “B.J.”</p><p>“Hi, Margaret,” Hawkeye says. “Two cents worth of shoelaces?”</p><p>“He was here first,” Margaret says, nodding at B.J. She says it regretfully, as if to make clear that it’s not B.J., but simply the rules of polite behavior, that she respects.</p><p>“I’m still thinking,” B.J. says.</p><p>“Shoelaces?” Hawkeye says to Margaret.</p><p>“Yes, please,” she says.</p><p>When Hawkeye goes to get them, Margaret turns to B.J. and says, “Do you think he likes me?”</p><p>“You want every boy to like you,” B.J. tells her.</p><p>“I’m very likable,” she tells him.</p><p>B.J. makes a face, but then seems to relent, tapping her on the knee and saying, “Sure you are.”</p><p>Before Margaret can reply, Hawkeye comes back over, a brown paper bag in his hand. “Here you go,” he tells Margaret, handing it over.</p><p>She slides two pennies across the counter before saying, “Help me down?”</p><p>“Help you down!” Hawkeye says, sounding disgusted. Margaret just shrugs, as if she didn’t even want the help to begin with, and hops off her stool. Trapper watches as B.J. sticks his tongue out at her as she leaves the store. Something about it strikes Trapper—it’s pretty typical behavior, for a kid, but B.J.’s sitting at such an angle that he must know neither Margaret nor Hawkeye will see him. And <em>that’s</em> not typical for a kid—keeping this little outburst of malevolence so to himself. As if it’s something to be preciously guarded, some manifestation of a deeper emotion than he wants to admit to anyone.</p><p>“Made up your mind?” Hawkeye says, and Trapper watches B.J. compose his face before turning back around to face the other boy.</p><p>“I’ll take chocolate,” B.J. says.</p><p>“Great choice,” Hawkeye tells him, grabbing a dish and starting to scoop ice cream into it.</p><p>“With coconuts,” B.J. adds.</p><p>“Coconuts?” Hawkeye says. This time <em>he’s</em> the one to make a disgusted face. “Why do you wanna ruin a perfectly good dessert with coconuts?”</p><p>“You’re the pickiest guy I ever met,” B.J. tells him.</p><p>“I have good taste, is all,” Hawkeye says.</p><p>“Working in a candy store is wasted on someone like you,” B.J. says.</p><p>“Well, I’m not gonna work here long,” Hawkeye says. “I’m gonna get out of Crapabble, go away to a big city, one where there’s… where there’s all kinds of people. I’m gonna study medicine, and become a real doctor, and probably cure all kinds of diseases, even the ones we haven’t heard of yet.”</p><p>Something flits across B.J.’s face as Hawkeye says this, something almost like greed or jealousy. Jealousy of what, Trapper’s not exactly sure. But as he finishes talking, Hawkeye leans down into the freezer to get at the last of the chocolate. As he does so, B.J. hoists himself up over the counter a little and leans into Hawkeye’s left ear, whispering, “Is this the ear you can’t hear on?”</p><p>When Hawkeye gives no response, B.J. leans in a bit closer and whispers even more quietly, “Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce, I’ll love you to the day I die.”</p><p>Trapper almost can’t believe what he’s hearing. There’s something about B.J.’s face—it’s almost reverent, as he says it. And Trapper thinks—well, maybe reverent really is the right description for it, because he thinks it must feel like some kind of sanctuary, almost, for this kid—the one who stuck out his tongue only when no one was looking—to be able to say everything it is he’s feeling, to confess something like that, but to know no one will hear. Once again, it’s something so self-contained, all about the act itself for the sake of the act and not for wont of any kind of reciprocity.</p><p>It reminds Trapper—well, it reminds Trapper of confession, something he’s not thought about for he doesn’t know how long. But something about the guilt of it, but the seeming compulsion to say it anyway, all wrapped into one. The act has almost the strange pull of ritual, as if this is something B.J. knows how to do well; speak into this ear of this boy who can’t hear him.</p><p>But just like that, the spell is broken as Hawkeye, oblivious to it all, lifts his head up with startling speed and almost collides into B.J.’s forehead. B.J. pulls away, looking a bit sheepish. Hawkeye seems unapologetic and says, “What were you trying to do? Make sure I didn’t cheat you out of your fair share of ice cream?” He holds the dish out to B.J., showing him what Trapper has to imagine is more than his money’s worth of chocolate ice cream contained within it.</p><p>“No,” B.J. says, affecting the same nonchalant tone as Hawkeye so quickly and so smoothly that Trapper almost disbelieves what he just saw a minute ago. “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t forgetting my coconut.”</p><p>Hawkeye rolls his eyes. “<em>How</em> could I forget the coconut,” he says, turning to the small dish that contains it and theatrically taking the <em>smallest</em> possible spoonful out of it to sprinkle on the ice cream.</p><p>B.J. laughs. “That’s <em>not</em>my money’s worth. Careful or I’ll rat to your boss.”</p><p>“Well, we can’t have that,” Hawkeye says, taking another incredibly small spoonful and sprinkling it over the ice cream as though it’s physically painful for him to do so. At this point, B.J. is full on laughing, and Hawkeye grins back at him, a wide, eager grin. He starts to do a third spoonful, saying, “Is <em>this</em> enough?”</p><p>“More!” B.J. says. “I demand more!”</p><p>Trapper’s not sure how long the game would’ve gone on, because right then, Hawkeye glances out the window and sees Bill walking by. Immediately, Hawkeye’s face falls, and he pushes the ice cream across the counter to B.J. “Well, there you go,” he says, suddenly very polite.</p><p>Trapper can see in B.J.’s expression a question about just what, exactly, he did wrong, but both boys are distracted when another kid walks into the store. “Hiya, B.J. Hiya, Hawk,” she says, sitting down on the stool next to B.J.</p><p>“Hey, Peggy,” Hawkeye says.</p><p>“Hey, Peggy,” B.J. says, turning seemingly deliberately away from Hawkeye to start up a conversation with her.</p><p>Trapper doesn’t hear where it all leads, though, because Joseph is already whisking them away from that memory and into another. As it begins to take shape in front of them, Trapper protests, “Hey, wait just a minute!”</p><p>“What?” Joseph says, sounding less than patient.</p><p>“I mean—what, we’re just skipping ahead a good few years? What happened with Billy? What happened with B.J.? Does he ever become a doctor or what?”</p><p>“We’ve got a lot to cover,” Joseph replies. “So if you’d just watch and listen.”</p><p>“Sure, sure,” Trapper says. “But this next memory better be a good one, or I’m complaining to your board of directors.”</p><p>Joseph doesn’t deign to reply.</p><p>The memory is fully formed now, and Trapper sees a teenage Hawkeye on a track, struggling to catch up with a blonde girl with a look of utter concentration on her face. She doesn’t even seem to notice Hawkeye until he suddenly calls out after her, “Margaret! Hey, Margaret!”</p><p>Hearing her name, she whips her head around, and, seeing Hawkeye smiling and sweating and out of breath, slows down only very reluctantly. “What do you want?” she says, maintaining a pace slower than before, but one that Hawkeye still evidently struggles to match.</p><p>“Come on,” he breathes out. “Can’t you cut a guy a break and slow down a little more?”</p><p>“I was <em>trying</em> to break my personal record,” she tells him. “Before you showed up.”</p><p>Hawkeye gives her a blank stare. “It’s high school P.E.,” he tells her. “Who could possibly care about breaking their <em>personal record</em>?”</p><p>“Well, I could,” Margaret says. “Physical fitness is very important to the army, you know.”</p><p>Hawkeye rolls his eyes. “Are you still doing that?”</p><p>“What, planning to serve my country? What are you going to do, serve milkshakes your whole life?”</p><p>“Oh, Margaret,” Hawkeye says, smiling at her fondly. “You always know just what to say when I’m feeling down.”</p><p>“Are you feeling down?” she says, not sounding concerned.</p><p>“Well, if I wasn’t before, I certainly am now,” he tells her. “But maybe you can rescue my spirits. I hear your pal Donald is throwing a party tonight.”</p><p>At this point, Margaret fully stops running, turning to Hawkeye with her hand on her hip and grinning. “And what?” she says. “You want <em>me</em> to get <em>you</em> into a party?”</p><p>“No, no,” Hawkeye says, taking the opportunity of Margaret having temporarily given up on forward motion to put his hands on his knees and lean over, gasping slightly for breath. Trapper can’t tell if the kid’s <em>really</em> that out of shape or just into the theatrics of it. The P.E. teacher, having noticed their lack of momentum, blows his whistle at them, but they both completely ignore him. “I’d just show up, invitation be damned,” Hawkeye continues. “It’s just… do you know if Billy’s going?”</p><p>Margaret stops grinning when he asks this, and gives him a searching look. “Why?” she says, no venom in her voice this time. If anything, she’s being reserved, trying to draw something out of him.</p><p>“Oh, no reason,” Hawkeye tells her, straightening up and smiling brightly at her, if not doing a fully convincing job of it. “I just… I was just wondering.”</p><p>“I’ll ask around,” Margaret says.</p><p>“Slip a note in my locker?” Hawkeye says.</p><p>“Sure,” Margaret replies. Trapper’s surprised at the intimacy that this question and answer implies, the fact that Margaret knows Hawkeye’s locker number without having to be told. Up to this point, all that Trapper had seen them do was bicker, but they must be closer than he thought, because Hawkeye asks her to leave him a note like it’s the most natural thing in the world, like passing notes is something they do all the time. And maybe they do. Or maybe they save it for emergencies like this one. In any case, the two of them don’t dwell on the exchange like Trapper wants to—Margaret picks her speed back up, not bothering to wait for Hawkeye, and Hawkeye doesn’t try to keep pace with her, and Trapper watches as the track fades away and is replaced by the view of a house at night.</p><p>Trapper realizes that he must be seeing Hawkeye walk up to the aforementioned party. So Billy must not be planning to show, then. Or Hawkeye’s just decided to brave it after all. Trapper notices that even though everyone’s greeting Hawkeye warmly as he arrives, yelling out his name and exchanging jokes and handshakes with him, Hawkeye’s showed up alone. Trapper gets the impression that while almost everyone might consider Hawkeye their friend, Hawkeye himself still feels like an outsider.</p><p>Still, when Hawkeye makes his way inside, he seems some people that he makes a beeline for. They’re two guys, standing around in the kitchen holding beers. “Sidney!” Hawkeye says, then, turning to the other one, “Francis!”</p><p>“Hey, Hawk,” Sidney says. “You ready to lose some money tonight?”</p><p>Hawkeye raises his eyebrows. “Just what, exactly, did you have in mind?”</p><p>“Well,” Francis says, leaning in conspiratorially, “You know, just the usual. I’m putting together a betting pool. How many of Donald’s parents’ most expensive possessions will get broken? What time will the neighbors call and complain? That kind of thing.” As he says this, Francis pulls from his pocket a very crumpled envelope stuffed with dollar bills.</p><p>“What are my odds?” Hawkeye asks.</p><p>At this question, Sidney actually pulls out a notebook with a little table in it, where he’s keeping track of all their classmates’ best guesses at when the neighbors will call, what will get broken, and so forth. “I’m strictly in it for the social science aspect, you have to understand,” Sidney tells Hawkeye, showing him the statistics. “There’s no better practice for my eventual degree in psychology than the study of our degraded classmates.”</p><p>Hawkeye claps Sidney on the back, looking the table over. “All we need is someone to get alcohol poisoning and I can practice medicine.” He turns to Francis. “Sidney’s got mind and I’ve got body. What does that leave you? Heart? Soul?”</p><p>Francis laughs at that. “ ‘Heart and Soul’, actually,” he says, then begins to hum the tune and mime playing the piano. Then he stops, straightens up, and says, “Don’t worry, all this money’s going towards a charitable cause.”</p><p>“The orphans?” Hawkeye asks.</p><p>“No,” Francis laughs. “Me dining out on it for weeks!” Hawkeye looks over Sidney’s books some more, eventually deciding to lay down some money. Just as he’s forking over the cash, though, B.J. strolls into the party. Instantly, Trapper can tell that Hawkeye’s distracted. His eyes flit to the other boy.</p><p>The way that Hawkeye had garnered attention when he’d first arrived at the party, Trapper had gotten the sense that he’d earned it, that he’d worked for it with the jokes that people seemed to expect out of him. Hawkeye does exude a sort of confidence, but it seems to Trapper to be mostly all posture, not that he can blame a seventeen-year-old for that. B.J., on the other hand, exudes a wholly other kind of charisma. It’s one that’s startling self-assured.</p><p>Almost as soon as he comes into the party, B.J. makes his way over to the kitchen. Trapper watches about a thousand little micro-expressions flit over Hawk’s face B.J. draws nearer, only to walk right past Hawkeye and toward the fridge, where he grabs a beer. Interestingly, it’s Francis who says, “Hey, B.J.!”</p><p>“Hey, Francis,” B.J. says, turning back around with his beer in hand and looking happy for the excuse to join their little group.</p><p>Francis looks almost surprised to see B.J. actually come over and stand with them. Francis has the air of an instinctually friendly person, but one who’s somewhat used to being overlooked. Unsure quite what to do with the attention of a boy who Trapper’s realizing must be quite popular, Francis says, “Oh, uh, well, we were just telling Hawkeye here about the bets I’m taking, if you’d like to place any yourself.”</p><p>“Oh yeah?” B.J. says, looking straight at Hawkeye as he says, “What are the odds?”</p><p>“Well, wouldn’t you like to know what you’re betting on first?” Hawkeye says.</p><p>“Yeah, why don’t you tell me?”</p><p>Sidney and Francis seem to be somewhat bemused by the whole exchange, whereas Hawkeye and B.J. seem utterly concentrated on what they’re saying. “Well, what strikes your fancy?” Hawkeye says. “What would thrill you the most? What’s the biggest risk you’re willing to take?”</p><p>Francis puts up a finger, then, and says, “Well, actually, we have pretty specific betting pools going already, so maybe you should let…” He trails off, not bothering to finish the sentence when he realizes that neither Hawkeye or B.J. is listening to him at all.</p><p>B.J. stares Hawkeye down a long minute before finally shrugging and turning to Sidney to say, “I’m not much of a risk-taker, I guess. Give me whatever the 2:1 odds of the day are, Sidney.”</p><p>“It’s interesting that you don’t think of yourself  as a risk-taker,” Sidney says as he skims his list of bets for one that B.J. will want. “You take plenty of risks out on the court.” <em>So he’s a jock</em>, Trapper thinks to himself. <em>Popular <b>and</b> a jock</em>. Though the facts of his and B.J.’s high school experiences are pretty much the same, B.J. still feels somehow totally foreign to Trapper.</p><p>“Yeah, well, the worst that can happen out there is a broken bone,” B.J. says.</p><p>“And here?” Hawkeye says, some sort of challenge in his voice.</p><p>“I lose my lunch money,” B.J. laughs, looking to where Sidney’s pointing and nodding and avoiding looking directly at Hawkeye, suddenly. B.J. hands Francis a dollar or two, and Francis takes them, writing his name down.</p><p>Hawkeye looks like he’s winding up to say something else, to try and re-capture B.J.’s attention, but just then, a girl arrives at the party with some friends. Trapper watches as she says something to her friends and makes straight for the group of boys.</p><p>“Hey, B.J.,” she says, smiling at him as she gets close. “What do you say you get me a beer?”</p><p>“Oh, hey, Peggy,” B.J. says, glancing at Hawkeye as though in search of some excuse to refuse. Seemingly coming up with none, he adds, “Yeah, sure.” He nods at Sidney, Hawkeye, and Francis as he starts to make his way toward the fridge, saying, “Well, guess I’ll see you all later.” Once he’s handed Peggy a beer, she pulls him out of the kitchen entirely, deep into the throws of the party, to the center of the living room where a bunch of other jock-types thump B.J. on the back and ask him where he’s been.</p><p>“Tell you the truth, I don’t know why you like that guy so much,” Sidney says to Hawkeye as the three of them watch B.J. be subsumed by the larger group. “He’s nice enough, but I don’t think he’s ever gonna really want to hang around with the likes of us.”</p><p>“I never said I liked him,” Hawkeye tells Sidney, eyes still on B.J.’s back.</p><p>Sidney shrugs.</p><p>“Oh, can you at least wait till you’ve got a degree to act so coy about whatever it is that’s wrong with me,” Hawkeye says.</p><p>Sidney looks like he’s about to retort, but Francis interrupts them to say, “Is that Margaret?”</p><p>Indeed, Margaret is cutting across the living room and making a beeline for the front door, seemingly on the verge of tears. “Aw, jeez, it is,” Hawkeye says. “Look, I think I’d better—“ but he doesn’t finish, instead leaving Sidney and Francis behind to chase after her.</p><p>“Margaret!” he calls. Just like that afternoon on the track, she doesn’t really slow down. Unlike that afternoon, though, Hawkeye puts in real effort to catch up to her, following her out the front door and grabbing her arm lightly just as she’s about to make her escape down the porch steps.</p><p>Margaret yanks her arm out from Hawkeye’s grip immediately, but she stops running, turning to him and snapping, “Oh, what do you want now?”</p><p>“I just—you just looked upset, is all,” Hawkeye says, evidently not having thought through all the way to what he’d say if he did manage to catch up with her.</p><p>“We’ve got ourselves a regular Sherlock here, folks,” Margaret says sarcastically.</p><p>“I just—I mean, is there anything I can do?” Hawkeye asks. He seems ready for Margaret to snap at him again, or maybe even run away. Instead, she sighs and sinks down onto the front steps.</p><p>“Do you ever feel like everyone else in the whole world is in on something, and you’re not?” she says.</p><p>Hawkeye looks taken aback, but almost immediately, he sits down next to her and says, “What, like they’re playing some kind of joke on you? I like to think I’m unusually in tune with whatever sick sense of humor the universe seems to have.”</p><p>“No, no, not that. I just mean… that there’s something everyone else just <em>gets</em>, about how you’re supposed to act, or, or—or what you’re supposed to say, or want, or… something.”</p><p>“Margaret, what <em>happened</em>?”</p><p>“Donald broke up with me,” she tells him.</p><p>“Oh—oh, no,” Hawkeye says, looking genuinely surprised.</p><p>“You don’t sound too sorry about it,” Margaret says, almost laughing a little. “Don’t tell me you’ve been holding a confession of your own love back this whole time, because let me tell you right now that this is <em>not</em> the time or place for it.”</p><p>Hawkeye laughs. “No, I—you’re a perfectly lovely girl, Margaret, it’s just that—Well, I never liked the guy much anyway.”</p><p>Margaret sighs. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know if I did either.”</p><p>“So what are you so broken up about, then?”</p><p>“Oh, I don’t know. I thought he liked me, at least. I thought we were happy enough. I don’t—I know this sounds stupid, or maybe naïve, but… Well, we’d dated so long, and I was comfortable with him, and, well—I mean, I just thought, maybe when we graduated, you know, he’d ask me to marry him.”</p><p>“Marry him?!”</p><p>“Is it <em>so</em> surprising that someone would want to marry me?” Margaret snaps.</p><p>“No, just—I guess it’s surprising that <em>you’d</em> want that.”</p><p>“I just—it was something to do after graduation, you know?”</p><p>Hawkeye laughs. “You wanted to marry the guy because it’d be <em>something to do after graduation</em>?”</p><p>“No, I—“ Margaret gives him a frustrated look. “I just. You know, I kind of had it all planned out. We were both going to go to med school, then into the army. I could picture it all, this whole… this whole <em>life</em> for us. And now there’s just… just a whole lot of nothing, and I have—I have no idea what I’m doing!”</p><p> “And you think the rest of us know what it is we’re gonna do?” Hawkeye laughs.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Margaret says. “You’re gonna go to med school, too, you’re gonna go live in New York, aren’t you? That’s some sort of plan, anyway.”</p><p>“Maybe I’m gonna move to New York. Maybe I’ll move to Boston. Maybe I’ll move to Chicago. I don’t really know. But that’s hardly a plan. That’s—the whole point of it is, I don’t know what I’ll do, and who I’ll be, who I’ll—who I’ll meet, when I move there. There’s this whole huge world out there, Margaret, and we’ve hardly lived in it yet! I think it’s kind of—I think it’s kind of exciting, you know? How we could just up and do anything.”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Margaret tells him. “I like to know what it is I’m getting myself into.”</p><p>“Well, you know, you always have me as your fallback guy,” Hawkeye says.</p><p>“I thought I told you not to go telling me you loved me,” Margaret says, but she’s kind of smiling, like she didn’t really take it that way.</p><p>“I don’t—You know what I mean,” Hawkeye says. “We won’t get married. You’ll move to the city, and you’ll move in with me, and it’ll cause all kinds of scandal. Little will people know we’re not sleeping together. And we’ll barely have any furniture. We’ll both be working ourselves nearly to death over school, and we’ll come home and sit on the floor and drink cheap beer and laugh and talk over our scratched up records every night. And we’ll meet people—we’ll meet people who don’t know who we are, or where we’ve been, or what we’ve done, who don’t—who’ll see us in a whole different way than anyone here. No one here—no one here sees us the way we deserve to be seen.” Hawkeye’s eyes get a little dark, then, and Trapper wonders if he’s thinking about B.J., or Billy, or if he really means everyone at the party, in Crabapple. “We’ll become—we’ll become the people we were meant to be the whole time.”</p><p>“That’s quite the grand speech, all in effort to convince a girl to follow you to the big city and <em>not</em> sleep with you,” Margaret says, smiling at Hawkeye affectionately. She’s looking less sad by the minute, the more he talks. He’s not even looking at her though, not really. They’re sitting so close their shoulders and knees are practically touching, but he’s staring out past the porch into the night, as if he’s seeing it all already, their futures playing out right before his eyes. Trapper’s itching to know what comes next for Hawkeye, to see this kid make it. But he doesn’t want to interrupt this memory, either.</p><p>“You remember…” Hawkeye starts. “You remember what you said earlier, about feeling like everyone knows how to dress, and act, and feel, except you? I feel that—I feel that too.”</p><p>“You do?” Margaret says, looking at him intensely.</p><p>Now he does turn and look at her. “I do,” he tells her. “I don’t think it’s… I mean, have you ever thought that maybe the reason we feel so… so out of place—maybe we don’t want the same things as everybody else for a <em>reason</em>. Maybe we’re not meant to. Would that really be that bad? Maybe we weren’t <em>meant</em> to want the same things as them.”</p><p>“Of course I want the same things everybody else does,” Margaret says quickly. “A husband and kids and a home.”</p><p>“Do you?” Hawkeye says. When she doesn’t answer, he says, “I don’t think I do.”</p><p>“You don’t want a husband,” Margaret laughs. “No surprise there.” Hearing her joke sounds unnatural, and Trapper gets the sense that she’s just doing it to avoid the conversational turn.</p><p>“No,” Hawkeye says. “I mean, that’s just the problem. I mean… maybe I <em>do</em> want a husband.”</p><p>The way Hawkeye says it, it reminds Trapper of that afternoon in the boat with Billy. He has that same urgency about him now as he did then, that rush to do something, to say something, before he loses his courage. And there’s that same rare silence for him, after he says it, as there was that day in the boat. The only difference is, this time, he’s not smiling at all, not like he did after he kissed Billy. This time, he’s sort of hunched over, almost as if he’s psychically trying to protect himself from a blow.</p><p>Margaret doesn’t speak, not at first. Then she says, “I don’t know if I…” only to trail off again. It’s clear that she’s torn up over what to say to him. It seems to Trapper that she didn’t see this coming, but also that she knows how much what she says next will matter to Hawkeye. Her voice gets almost soft, then—quite the change, for her—and she says, “I don’t know if I’m the kind of girl that can do that. That can… that can move to the city, you know, and reinvent myself. But you… I don’t know, Hawkeye. I think maybe you could. I hope… I really hope you get it. Get—get everything it is that you want.”</p><p>Hawkeye laughs, then, and he straightens up. (Well, just a little bit. The guy doesn’t seem to have very good posture.) Something about hearing Margaret echo it back to him, his crazy hope for his life after high school, seems to have worked some sort of magic on him.</p><p>But he seems afraid to break the spell. Instead of saying any more about it, he just tells Margaret, “I can’t believe you almost let a guy like <em>Donald</em> ruin your night.”</p><p>“I know,” Margaret says. “Really, what kind of name is that?”</p><p>“One that should be reserved for ducks,” Hawkeye says. Then he leans over and bumps his shoulder affectionately into Margaret’s. “Shall we make our way back inside?”</p><p>“I think so,” Margaret says. “If you really are going to be up and leaving us all next year, we better make the most of it while we can.” And she’s the one that stands first, holding a hand out to Hawkeye and pulling him up, off the porch, and back into the fray.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay obviously this won't be finished by Christmas, but I wanted to at least put the next little bit up :+) I got really busy with the holidays, but I should hopefully be able to finish this thing up by some time in January. Merry Christmas everyone!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next memory Trapper sees of Hawkeye, he must only be a year or two older. He’s back in that same drug store, this time looking at a suitcase up on the counter.</p>
<p>“Now, I don’t know if this suitcase will really do it for me,” Hawkeye says. “I need something I can fit everything I own in – all two of my shirts, plus the Hawaiian one, for special occasions.”</p>
<p>The guy behind the counter laughs, pulling out a much bigger one. “How’ll this do?” he asks.</p>
<p>“Oh, it’s perfect, Igor,” Hawkeye says. “Maybe I can even fit my Groucho glasses in there. How much is it?”</p>
<p>“No cost. Francis and Sidney came in and went half and half on it.”</p>
<p>“No kidding?” Hawkeye says, an even wider grin spreading across his face. “There they go, getting unnecessarily sentimental on me.” But he looks to Trapper like he just might be getting “unnecessarily” sentimental himself. Before he can get too misty eyes, though, he shakes Igor’s hand and goes over to the same old cigarette lighter, closing his eyes and saying, “I wish I had a million dollars!” When he opens his eyes to see a flame springing out of it, he adds, “Hot dog!”</p>
<p>Igor laughs, watching as Hawkeye makes his way out onto the street. Sitting there, waiting for a customer, is a cabbie in a gorgeous pink dress. “Heya, Klinger,” Hawkeye says. “I’m a rich tourist today. How about driving me home in style?”</p>
<p>“Sure, your highness, hop in. And for the carriage trade, I put on my hat!” As he says this, Klinger pulls out a gorgeous hat covered in fake flowers, a kind more fitting for a Sunday at Church than a simple cab ride around town. Just as Hawkeye’s about to climb into the cab, though, Margaret walks by.</p>
<p>Unlike any other time Trapper’s seen her, she’s wearing pants. It must be unusual for her, because Hawkeye stops and says cheerfully, “Hey, Margaret, you look sharp today!”</p>
<p>Margaret glances down at herself, smiling, but trying not to show it. “Oh, I only put this on because I don’t care how I look.”</p>
<p>In response, Hawkeye just whistles, and Klinger gives Margaret an a-OK sign, as well as a wink. “You’re going my way, aren’t you?” Hawkeye says to Margaret. “You got to stop over at home first, or you wanna just hop on in this cab with me?”</p>
<p>“Oh, you’re ridiculous,” Margaret says. But then she quickly adds, “Fine. If you’re going to waste your money on this, I’ll come along.”</p>
<p>As she moves to get into the cab, though, she gets serious for a second, saying, “Hawk, you know, it really means a lot to me, you and your dad and your uncles throwing me my going away when my own folks…”</p>
<p>“Aw, come on, it’s nothing, “Hawkeye says as they both hop in. “Any excuse for a party! Tonight’s not for serious talk. It’s for celebrating!”</p>
<p>“It is something,” Margaret says, but as they close their doors and Klinger starts to drive them away, she smiles again and says, “But I <em>am</em> in the mood for a party.”</p>
<p>A little while later, and Margaret has indeed gotten in the mood for a party. Hawkeye has put on a Duke Ellington record, and he and Margaret are upstairs in his room, doing a very wild and poorly executed swing dance, Margaret leading. Downstairs, three older men (presumably the aforementioned father and uncles) are shaking their heads. Joseph tells Trapper, “That’s Daniel, Sherman, and Henry,” pointing them each out in turn.</p>
<p>“Yeesh,” Trapper says. “There’s a lot of characters to keep track of.”</p>
<p>“It’s easier for those of us who don’t have brains the size of walnuts,”<br/> Joseph says.</p>
<p>“Angel of the lord my ass,” Trapper shoots back, but rather than engage any further, Joseph turns back to the scene at hand.</p>
<p>“They’re liable to tear up the house with the racket they’re making,” Sherman says.</p>
<p>“Aw, leave ‘em alone,” Henry tells him. “I wish I were still young enough to carry on like that.”</p>
<p>“Sometimes, you forget that you aren’t,” Daniel tells him.</p>
<p>“You’re his father,” Sherman says. “Why don’t you do something about them?”</p>
<p>“Something about who?” Hawkeye says, coming down the stair sand into the dining room. Margaret follows just behind, having changed into a dinner suit but not buttoned it up at all.</p>
<p>“You’ll tear up your dinner suit!” Sherman tells her.</p>
<p>“Oh, I don’t care,” Margaret says. “It’s Hawkeye’s anyway. Anyway, I’ve got to get all those pies over to the school,” she adds, rushing into the kitchen and leaving the door propped open behind her.</p>
<p>Hawkeye follows her into the kitchen to help.</p>
<p>As they disappear into the kitchen, Henry yells after Margaret, “I can’t see why you’re so hell-bent on organizing this alumni thing when it’s the day before you’re leaving town.”</p>
<p>“Well of course you don’t,” Margaret says, coming out with one pie very carefully cradled in her hands.</p>
<p>“It just sure does seems like a whole lot of work to me,” Henry replies, shrugging, then starting to reach almost absentmindedly for the pie before Margaret slaps his hand away.</p>
<p>“That’s for the alumni,” she tells him.</p>
<p>“I think it’s a mighty fine thing to do, organizing something like this,” Sherman says. “Raise everybody’s spirits.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Margaret says. “Besides, I want to make sure I leave this little town with something to remember me by.”</p>
<p>“I’m looking to forget high school as soon as I can, and I’m hoping everyone involved will return me the same courtesy,” Hawkeye says, coming out of the kitchen with a pie in each hand and one balanced on top of his head. “Here are the rest of the pies,” he says. “Shall I take them to the car?”</p>
<p>“You’re going to drop them!” Margaret says.</p>
<p>“Careful there, Hawk,” Daniel says calmly.</p>
<p>Margaret starts to move toward Hawk, as if wanting to take one of the pies from him, but as she gets closer, he starts to engage in maneuvers to evade her, which only threaten to make him more at risk of dropping one. So she gives up, sighs, and says, “Come on, come out to the car then, quickly. Before you drop one.”</p>
<p>She leads him out to the car, opening up the door to the back seat and setting her pie in, then starting to take the pies from Hawkeye one by one (starting with the one balanced on his head) so she can set them in carefully as well. As she does this, she says, “Come on, are you really not gonna come? After I worked so hard to organize this thing?”</p>
<p>“I’m sure everyone else will be there,” Hawkeye says. “You won’t even notice I’m missing.”</p>
<p>Margaret gives him a look, then. “Is that the problem? That <em>everyone</em> else is going to be there?”</p>
<p>“I heard Billy’s still home on break. Doesn’t leave for Princeton again until a few days from now,” Hawkeye tells her.</p>
<p>“Oh, Hawk,” Margaret says. “Him still?”</p>
<p>“No,” Hawkeye says. “Not him, still. Only… I’m not gonna go out of my way to see him, if I don’t have to.”</p>
<p>“Seems to me more like you’re going out of your way to avoid him. Come on. I bet Sidney and Francis will both be there. And maybe even B.J.”</p>
<p>“Why would I care if B.J. came?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Margaret says, putting the last pie in the car and closing the door. “You tell me. Anyway, come on, I want to go say thank you to your family for dinner.”</p>
<p>After Margaret makes her goodbyes and leaves, Sherman says, “She’s got a good head on her shoulders, that one.”</p>
<p>“She does,” Hawkeye agrees, sitting down at the table with his father and uncles. “Sometimes I almost worry it’s screwed on a little too tightly.”</p>
<p>“You sure you’re not…” Henry starts, then says, “I mean, you and her aren’t…”</p>
<p>Hawkeye laughs. “Margaret and I are many things to each other, but we’re certainly not… that.”</p>
<p>Henry puts his hands up. “Alright, alright. Just asking.”</p>
<p>“It’s just a little funny, you both going off to New York together. You’re sure you’re not just chasing some girl?” Sherman says. “Your dad’s got a great business right here at home, and one that needs someone with brains to keep it running.”</p>
<p>“Well if you’re looking for someone with brains, you’d better keep looking,” Hawkeye jokes. “Look, dad’s doing a bang-up job running it for now. I’m gonna go off, try med school and the big city, and then, when I flunk out, I can come back home and settle down into the world of rural banking.”</p>
<p>“You know, this business isn’t something I just failed into,” Daniel says. “It may not seem like much, but it’s honest work, and I’m proud of what I’ve done for this people, to keep them out of the hands of Potter. It may not be saving lives, but it’s something.”</p>
<p>“Oh, dad…” Hawkeye says. “I’m just joking around. I’m proud of you, too, and I’d be proud to work for you. It’s just… there’s something in me. I don’t know. I need to see what’s out there, first. You know?”</p>
<p>“I know,” Daniel said. “It’s okay, Hawk.”</p>
<p>“You know what,” Hawkeye says, “Maybe I will go on down to that reunion Margaret’s throwing. Remind myself of everyone I’m not gonna miss.”</p>
<p>“It’ll be much more fun than sitting around with all us old folks, I’m sure,” Daniel says, smiling at Hawkeye. Hawkeye gets up from the table, all nervous energy, as he so often is, seemingly unsure how upset his dad still is, or how to fix it, or if he’d rather be stuck here or at the dance. He goes to get his coat, and again, Trapper sees what Hawkeye doesn’t. He sees Daniel’s face full of only love as he watches his son leave.</p>
<p>Soon enough, though, Hawkeye seems to have put the conversation with his dad behind him, and has made his entrance to the reunion. The gym is crowded, full of people dancing, the sound of their voices mingling with the music. Margaret, despite the noise and the crowd, spots Hawkeye immediately when he walks in, and makes her way over to him. “You came!” she says.</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, I figured I’d come remind myself of everything about this town I’m not gonna miss,” he says, somewhat recycling the same joke he made for his family just a little bit ago. Trapper, having only gotten to know Hawkeye through these bits and pieces of memories that Joseph is choosing to show him, still feels some sort of odd kinship with him, recognizing the same defense mechanism that he himself often employs.</p>
<p>Margaret, however, either doesn’t notice or chooses to ignore the weird mood Hawkeye is in. “Oh, shush,” she says. “I haven’t seen you-know-who here yet, anyway. Go mingle! Just be careful to avoid our old principle or he’ll talk your ear off for five full minutes about the new pool they just put in under this floor.” She gives Hawkeye a little shove, then makes her way back into the crowd, obviously hell-bent on personally insuring that every single person in the place is having a good time.</p>
<p>Hawkeye looks around the crowd, eventually spotting Sidney standing in a corner by the punch bowl, practically just like he was at the high school party Trapper saw, talking to someone Trapper doesn’t recognize. Hawkeye makes his way over to them, but Trapper notices him grimace just a little when he gets closer and seems to realize just who it is Sidney’s talking to.</p>
<p>“Well, just look what the cat dragged in,” Hawkeye says as he gets closer. “I’m surprised you deigned to make the trip back from the city, Charles.”</p>
<p>“Hawkeye!” Sidney exclaims, grabbing onto Hawkeye’s arm briefly, seemingly half in greeting, half in a kind of “get me out of here” kind of way.</p>
<p>Charles, on the other hand, appears much less enthused to see Hawkeye, merely turning to him and saying, “So nice to see you too, Pierce. I see you haven’t changed one bit.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, it’s hard to improve on perfection.”</p>
<p>Before Hawkeye and Charles can exchange any more snide comments, Francis makes his way over to the three of them. “Oh, Hawkeye! Just the guy I was looking for.”</p>
<p>“Oh, and why’s that? I do have a laundry list of sins to repent for, but I was hoping to wait until at least tomorrow, so I could get some new ones under my belt tonight.”</p>
<p>“Oh, well, I’m not a priest yet,” Francis laughs.</p>
<p>“So there’s still the chance for me to talk you out of throwing your towel in with the Catholics, then?” Hawkeye asks.</p>
<p>“Well, maybe you can try tomorrow. Tonight, why don’t we just have some fun.”</p>
<p>“Not much fun to be had here,” Sidney says. “Unless you’re a fan of dancing.”</p>
<p>“Well, I would get out there,” Hawkeye says, “only Margaret’s the one who taught me everything I know, so I’m waiting till I find a man that doesn’t mind leading another man around the dance floor.”</p>
<p>“I don’t mind,” a voice says from behind Hawkeye. Everyone turns around at once and sees that B.J., standing behind them with Peggy, has seemingly interrupted his conversation with her to interject into theirs.</p>
<p>“Oh, really?” Hawkeye says, raising his eyebrows. “B.J. Hunnicutt, athletic star of Crapabble High, doesn’t mind coming home and causing quite the stir by whisking little old me around the dance floor?”</p>
<p>“It’d give everyone here something to talk about,” B.J. says.</p>
<p>“It certainly would,” Sidney says. When neither B.J. nor Hawkeye makes a move, Sidney gives Hawkeye a gentle shove towards B.J. and says, “Well? What are you waiting for?”</p>
<p>“Are you sure you wanna dance with me?” Hawkeye says. He turns to Peggy and says, “I mean, you don’t mind me stealing your date away?”</p>
<p>“He’s not my date,” Peggy says. “He’s really just some guy.”</p>
<p>“You hear that?” B.J. says. “I’m really just some guy.”</p>
<p>“Some guy that wants to dance with me?” Hawkeye asks.</p>
<p>“Yes,” B.J. says.</p>
<p>“If you lead, I’ll follow,” Hawkeye replies.</p>
<p>The two of them stand there, with their friends (and Charles) looking on, seemingly unsure how far the other is willing to take the joke. Then B.J. says, “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!”</p>
<p>He steps forward, closing the short distance between them, and sweeps Hawkeye out on the dance floor. As they dance, B.J. says, “You know, I’ve been waiting for the excuse to get you dance with me for years.”</p>
<p>“For years?” Hawkeye says, raising his eyebrows. “I am, as Peggy would say, ‘Just some guy.’ B.J. Hunnicutt’s been waiting years to dance with <em>me</em>?”</p>
<p>Before B.J. can respond, though, the song cuts off, and someone’s voice comes on over a microphone, announcing a Charleston contest.</p>
<p>As the music changes, Hawkeye looks at B.J. and says, “I’m not very good at this.” Trapper’s not even really sure if it’s the Charleston he’s talking about, or if he’s continuing the earlier conversation.</p>
<p>“Neither am I,” B.J. replies.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Hawkeye says. “What can we lose?”</p>
<p>As he and Hawkeye begin to dance, though, Joseph directs Trapper’s attention elsewhere; Billy has just entered the far side of the gym. Trapper watches Billy make his way in, stopping and chatting with some friends that Trapper doesn’t recognize. It takes him a minute to catch sight of B.J. dancing with Hawkeye. When he sees them, a strong emotion flashes across his face for only a second, before he masks it, but Trapper knows what it is: jealousy.</p>
<p>His friends don’t seem to catch this, though they notice where he’s looking. One of them gives a short, mean laugh and says, “Can you believe that? Hawkeye, I would expect to make a spectacle of himself, but B.J. is a surprise.”</p>
<p>“You hear about that new pool they put in?” another one of them says. “They’re dancing right over where the floor opens. And I’ve got the key.” He pulls it out of his pocket, dangling it in front of Billy. “You wanna do the honors?”</p>
<p>Billy doesn’t even reply, just takes the key and gives his friend a grin devoid of any real feeling. Trapper watches as he makes his way down the stairs, to the mechanism, puts the key into the lock, and turns it.</p>
<p>Back up on the gym floor, though, B.J. and Hawkeye remain oblivious to any of these goings on. They continue to dance, backs turned to the impending danger of the now-opening floor. Everyone around them, though, turns to watch, wondering if they’ll topple in. The crowd starts to cheer every time they get closer to the edge. Trapper watches Hawkeye’s face; on it is a look of utter confusion, comingled with guarded fear and just a little joy. “Are they looking at <em>us</em>?” Hawkeye says to B.J., over the roar of the crowd. Though the cheers of the crowd are not exactly hostile, Hawkeye seems to mistrust the intentions behind them.</p>
<p>B.J., on the other hand, says, “I guess we’re better than we thought!” He keeps dancing, putting even more energy into it than before. Trapper watches as Hawkeye makes a decision and begins to give it his all, too. Part of it seems to be that now that everyone is already looking, Hawkeye is too stubborn to give up dancing. If anything, he’s over the top now, making a joke out of it. Hiding in plain sight. But Trapper wonders if part of it is that Hawkeye doesn’t want to spoil it for B.J., to be the one to clue him in to the fact that a crowd watching doesn’t always signal approval.</p>
<p>Trapper watches as Hawkeye and B.J. dance closer and closer to the edge. Part of him wonders if they’ll even fall; part of him expects them to dance out onto thin air and just hang their, suspended in place by sheer force of will. But they don’t; as the crowd cheers louder, and the two of them continue to dance, they do indeed dance themselves right off the edge.</p>
<p>Trapper watches Hawkeye’s face, the realization of just why the crowd’s been cheering. Trapper, having seen what he saw, Billy turning the key, can’t help but think back to that first memory on the lake, Hawkeye’s surprise as he toppled out of the boat.</p>
<p>But today is different. Today, B.J. is right there with Hawkeye, falling too. As they fall, B.J. doesn’t let go of Hawkeye; if anything, he holds on tighter than before. Hawkeye turns to look at B.J. as they go over the edge, and B.J. is laughing. And seeing B.J. laugh, Hawkeye starts laughing too. Trapper watches as they both tumble into the water, and are submerged, and come up together, still laughing, and B.J. takes Hawkeye’s hands and keeps right on dancing, there in the water. And they continue to dance as everyone who’d been watching begins to dive in too. Right there in the center of it all is B.J., his magnetic pull, his stubborn refusal to let anything about the night take away from his dance with Hawkeye, the dance he’s been waiting years for. <em>If you lead, I’ll follow</em>, Hawkeye had said. And at least tonight, he seems to have followed B.J. all the way through to some kind of real joy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading!! As always, kudos &amp; especially comments are appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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